Divorce and separation

Topic Editor: Robert E. Emery, PhD, University of Virginia, USA
Topic funded by: The Lawson Foundation

Given that many of the adverse effects of divorce can be explained by parenting, parents can play a central role in facilitating the child’s adjustment to the new family arrangements by:

1. Being emotionally sensitive to their child during transitions to different households;
2. Learning how to deal with conflicts, maintain warm and loving relationships with the child, and prioritize the child’s needs;
3. Maintaining stable and consistent schedules in young children to foster the child’s sense of security and progressively allow these schedules to become more flexible as the child becomes older;
4. Practicing effective co-parenting (working as a team rather than as adversaries), or in case of intense conflicts, parallel parenting (minimizing the contact between parent);
5. Showing frequent reassurance of love through words, and affection;
6. Setting and enforcing clear limits and guidelines;
7. Encouraging open communication in day-to-day activities in which parents actively listen and acknowledge their child’s emotions without judgment;
8. Taking some time before getting involved in new relationships so that children get used to the changes associated with the separation;
9. Minimizing the number of changes children face and clearly explain these changes;
10. Agreeing on how major issues will be decided and resolved;
11. Taking care of themselves to improve their parenting abilities.

Recommendations also extend to the elaboration of optimal and flexible parenting plans that support children’s needs at all ages, and allows children access to both parents. These tend to be more successful when they are elaborated in mediation than in court, and include agreement on time spent with each parent. From birth to the toddler years, careful separations of short duration are appropriate but overnight stays are not recommended unless the infant has already developed a strong attachment security to the nonresidential parent. In the preschool years, children can be separated from the first parent for longer periods of time.

Several programs exist to help children and parents cope with divorce and separation, including child-focused interventions that emphasize on stress management, expression of feelings and interpersonal resources; and parent-focused programs that discuss relationship quality, discipline, emotion regulation, and coparenting. Given the success of these programs, brief, community-based interventions must now be put in place on a large scale to increase access for parents and children. Alternatives to formal court proceedings such as mediation should also be readily available to all parents.

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